did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
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