I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
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