So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
