i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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