best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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