I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
