Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
