omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
