if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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