when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
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