peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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