Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
