I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Randomize
