I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
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You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
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So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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