I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
