I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
