I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Are you still crying. What are you doing. Have 10 shots of tequila.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
