feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Let's get the cat blown out
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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