Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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