it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
