I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
