I'm pants shitting drunk right now
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
