i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
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