I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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