I feel like abortions should bother me more
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
