I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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