im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
