someone threw a dead crab at me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
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