Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
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