I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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