do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?
well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic
what chic?
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
