Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
