My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
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