he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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