He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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