I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
someone get that fucking seahorse.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Randomize
