That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
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