Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
