I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
