ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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