i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
