I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
Randomize
