I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't tits with veins remind you of road maps?
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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