Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
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