i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
