Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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