I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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