I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
