fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
