I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
