That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The power of my boobs compel you
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
