Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
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