i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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