hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
