dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
