She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
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