Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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