I intend to get homeless drunk
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
