i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
