He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
