i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
