You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
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I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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