Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
