highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
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