apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
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